Meditation and Anger
That was me. Not at work but the safe confines of my apartment. It was in a fit of rage eight years ago—near this precise date of publication.
I remember the anger dissipated right after I saw my hand come out of the wall. That was when I realized I had a problem. I quit my job as an accountant and started meditating.
Meditating wasn’t fashionable at the time. It wasn’t something guys around me did. It wasn’t something people in “hardcore elitist” professions did either.
Facts, data and being quantitative prevailed in this world of mine. Psychology was “pussy shit.” It didn't help that most people thought psych majors were for people who didn’t know what to major in university.
I decided to be an accountant after thinking engineering pulled me too far away from people. But I really wanted to be a psych and history major. I just got talked out of that by Mr. and Mrs. Practicality who lived in my head. For what it’s worth, I think I would’ve liked to be a psych major.
Still, revealing this problem of mine to peers didn’t feel like possible. I had to solve it discreetly and meditation seemed worth a try. I could do it alone and if successful, I could save myself and my relationship with those I loved.
I used Headspace to get me started. Meditation was a practice I consistently used every time I felt anger, rage and anxiety starting to boil. I could sense it coming and I would immediately run into a quiet room to meditate.
It was like taking an Advil for a headache. It was no different from a drug to cure the immediate effects. I know this goes contrary to some who believe meditation should be a daily practice like going to the gym.
I agree with the sentiment that it’s worth training the mind every day. But I think there are many ways to do it and meditation is one of many. Maybe my hourly journaling every morning serves that purpose for me, no one can say except me.
I went from meditating as needed to making it a daily practice. I tried 5, 10, 15, 30, 45, 60 minutes in lengths. I tried vipassana, gratitude, visualizing, and some other types I can’t remember.
Meditation was a specific tool to calm me down and help me deal with the desire to scream and punch. It wasn’t a smooth process.
I still had various forms of panic attacks and violent outbursts since the hole in the wall. But they became less frequent over the years to the point that I can confidently say I haven’t had any violent outbursts in the last four years.
I don’t meditate every day now. I practice it from time to time but it’s like taking an Advil. If I feel something coming up, then I go away for a while. Sometimes I’ll do it every morning for an hour for a week or two. But I’m also practicing handling the emotions without needing to meditate.
I should add the caveat that I’m not trying to say meditation is good or worth doing. It might be worth trying for some and not for others. I’m not writing this to convince you one way or the other. I don’t think recommendations change someone’s mind. They already know if they want to try it or not.
I gave it a shot and I consider it to have been effective for myself. Either that or getting older helped. Obviously, life is complex so a multitude of factors probably contributed to my development.
I don’t know what others do to solve their problem. But this has worked for me and I still recommend meditation to those who ask about it. If it helped one person in his early twenties find a way to resolve anger issues, it may help another.
Nowadays, I try to encourage people who tell me they meditate to keep at it. That is, if they are doing it for intrinsic reasons and not to tell people they are.